Is Family Toxic or is it your Behavior?
Do you have a crazy uncle you see every once in awhile? Maybe not anymore as it becomes more acceptable to cut people out of your life, even family that are seen as 'toxic.'
YouGov conducted a survey in which 1 in 4 participances said they were estranged from at least one family member. 25% is a fairly high number for something so troubling in our society, especially when loneliness is on the rise as well. Joshua Coleman is a psychologist and the author of the book “Rules of Engagement” Why adults cut ties and how to heal the conflict” and through his research they have concluded that family estrangement is indeed on the rise.
Joshua talks about how there are cases where the family member is aggressive, violent and will not change regardless of anyone's actions. However, Joshua and his colleagues work with individuals who are not like that, they would do anything to make amends, go to therapy, take responsibility to do whatever necessary to fix the problem but they are being told no. That the child or other family members therapist is saying they are a narcissist or a gaslighter, and it is a huge problem in our society.
So what do we do? Joshua says to start by not giving stock Hallmark advice. Something like “It'll get better” or “They'll come around” because it may never get better. Like with most things, it is best to listen and hear the person. Empathize, relate. And contrastly, don't tell them to just call their mother or “Just do” it, because we don't feel listened to then either do we?